Day 2… !

I’m sure a lot of you get that F***IN title. No worries, there is no pessimism on here. Just getting back up and keep going!

So my day is actually back to day one. It sucks to say but I have to be honest. I am basically spreading my life here so fuck it. I was at an Easter dinner. I did not drink for the entire  meal and then I told myself, the ultimate stupidest thing, OH, I can have ONE drink. FAIIILLL! OF course fail. I got shit face, was behaving like a dick, told my friend’s mom off, looked disgusting and hooked up with a guy, whom I actually would be interested in but now it started like this. Me, disgustingly drunk. I mean, I do try to love myself but this is so far from what I want, from what I am.

I found this medication called Naltrexone. I really am into the will power thing, but apparently, some of us are genetically predisposed to be binge drinking and alcoholism. Which means when you do have one drink, your brains associates it with a reward, a relaxing feeling. Most of addicts have anxiety disorder, just like myself. I wouldn’t say it’s super strong but I do feel socially awkward and always pressure myself when surrounded in a crowd or a friends supper.

So I did my research and found out the Sinclair method. Which is basically a cognitive behavior realignment if you may say. That drug is an opioid antagonist. The point is to reprogram your brain to not feel that rewarding feeling. Strangely enough, it’s the same idea that you train your dog to do tricks  because the end game is a sweet biscuit or whatever dogs like. Alcoholism is a learned habit. A learned pattern that you have to unlearned. I hate to think that I rely on pills (first of all, Naltrexone has little or no side effects and is proven that in up to 80% of alcoholics using this method just simple stop drinking or do not bing anymore because of what I just explained). I think it’s worth trying. I actually never was a drinker. I associated drinking when I went travelling and I had a group a friends that were just doing that: drink till they ”die”. I was always an introvert so getting shitfaced got me accepted… loved. Obviously this is BULL SHIIIIT!!

It’s all about changing your belief system. Believe you are worth loving. Believe you can do anything. Trust that you deserve success.

Also, not all techniques work with everyone. Truth is, AA works for barely no one. I imagine it is a great support group but I never felt it was for me. I think the reprogramming of the brain is key. I don’t only mean with the cognitive behavior therapy I just spoke about, I mean by doing self hypnose, by talking to your subconscious. Patterns are build subconsciously and you have to address that part of your soul, spirit, DNA, whatever you call it, if you want to make change.

Just try everything and never give up. I won’t!


The hangover

Here I am, hung over, once again. One of my too many ”the day after” and having this wish to stop cold turkey. I am one of those people who do not control alcohol, one drink always equals a thousand drinks which then equals to: embarrassing myself, drunk dialing, hurting people around me, acting crazy and feeling guilty.

I am reaching out on this new cyber life, my blog. I am not sure what I am expecting from this, maybe creating a cyber support community but mostly, I just felt the need to write. I know a lot of you out there are feeling the same way and nonetheless, I do keep my hopes up and assure you that there is a better way to live and be happy. Why, oh why, do we keep on making the same mistakes over again. For social approbation? To drown our sorrows, to vent off our frustrations, to punish ourselves? No reason can convince me this is the way to do things.

I just moved to Vancouver from Montreal, where I left a wonderful man there. A wonderful alcoholic man whom I knew, I had to get away from. Him, but also all my toxic surrounding. I am here for a fresh start, a new beginning, a new me. So, I did call him last night, drunk walking in the streets, alone, looking for my next drink. I of course told him I loved him, I hated him, I… How self involved is that? Not letting him the chance to get over me. Reminding me of my presence and my problems. Not allowing him to let me go. Although this IS selfish and hurtful, I learned that I have to love myself despite these unwanted actions I am doing. Isn’t what everything is about? Self love? This is where we, alcoholics, addictive and binge drinkers, go wrong. Isn’t our eternal question? Why am I doing something that makes me completely unhappy? Trust me, there is no remotely worth it reason. None. That is what I am training myself to understand. And strangely enough, I feel deep inside that it is making its way up to my natural reasoning.

So here I am, hung over, getting back on my feet and willing to love myself and stop self-destructive behavior. Because deep within, I KNOW I will win this war, and you can too.

Travelling around the world doesn’t change you, no. But such a gesture can create change and shows that you are trying something, that the war is not over, that you give a fuck about yourself just enough to try something. I am declaring war, and I have no intentions of losing it! Fuck alcohol, fuck this alcohol driven society. We are better than this. I AM better than this. I want to thrive, I want to succeed and I want to surround myself with love. I never have been more decided to heal myself and be good to myself. So, yes, last night was a mistake and that’s just OKAY! I am not dead yet, and excuse my redundancy but I will WIN, THIS, FUCKIN, WAR.

I am not sorry that I am not perfect. I will reflect upon this hang over and tell myself that this can, in fact, be the last time I ever feel this way. It is a decision after all. No way, alcohol will control me. I left my past to build a new inspiring life, and that is exactly what I’m gonna do. You can too.

So, I will take the day to relax and forgive myself. I will eat healthy meals and will get back to my self hypnosis, reprogramming my twisted brain connections. I will remind myself that I am worth it. Yes, I am worth it. This can all get better, that is the only path I will accept! I will be going to my new job with great energy and show them how much of a bad ass girl I am. I will make money and pay my debts and then I will get on with my artistic projects. This is what I will be telling myself day after day, night after night: FUCK ALCOHOL!

Feel free to message me, to talk about what you are experiencing, to let me know you’re in this war too and that you know you are stronger than this bull shit! We can support each other and encourage each other with an understanding others might not have. Judgements are out of the way, and positive energy is welcome!