I’m sure a lot of you get that F***IN title. No worries, there is no pessimism on here. Just getting back up and keep going!
So my day is actually back to day one. It sucks to say but I have to be honest. I am basically spreading my life here so fuck it. I was at an Easter dinner. I did not drink for the entire meal and then I told myself, the ultimate stupidest thing, OH, I can have ONE drink. FAIIILLL! OF course fail. I got shit face, was behaving like a dick, told my friend’s mom off, looked disgusting and hooked up with a guy, whom I actually would be interested in but now it started like this. Me, disgustingly drunk. I mean, I do try to love myself but this is so far from what I want, from what I am.
I found this medication called Naltrexone. I really am into the will power thing, but apparently, some of us are genetically predisposed to be binge drinking and alcoholism. Which means when you do have one drink, your brains associates it with a reward, a relaxing feeling. Most of addicts have anxiety disorder, just like myself. I wouldn’t say it’s super strong but I do feel socially awkward and always pressure myself when surrounded in a crowd or a friends supper.
So I did my research and found out the Sinclair method. Which is basically a cognitive behavior realignment if you may say. That drug is an opioid antagonist. The point is to reprogram your brain to not feel that rewarding feeling. Strangely enough, it’s the same idea that you train your dog to do tricks because the end game is a sweet biscuit or whatever dogs like. Alcoholism is a learned habit. A learned pattern that you have to unlearned. I hate to think that I rely on pills (first of all, Naltrexone has little or no side effects and is proven that in up to 80% of alcoholics using this method just simple stop drinking or do not bing anymore because of what I just explained). I think it’s worth trying. I actually never was a drinker. I associated drinking when I went travelling and I had a group a friends that were just doing that: drink till they ”die”. I was always an introvert so getting shitfaced got me accepted… loved. Obviously this is BULL SHIIIIT!!
It’s all about changing your belief system. Believe you are worth loving. Believe you can do anything. Trust that you deserve success.
Also, not all techniques work with everyone. Truth is, AA works for barely no one. I imagine it is a great support group but I never felt it was for me. I think the reprogramming of the brain is key. I don’t only mean with the cognitive behavior therapy I just spoke about, I mean by doing self hypnose, by talking to your subconscious. Patterns are build subconsciously and you have to address that part of your soul, spirit, DNA, whatever you call it, if you want to make change.
Just try everything and never give up. I won’t!